Already Gone
by KageMori
Summary: Hiccup leaves more than just his village behind when he runs away. He leaves behind a father. A father that he never realized how much he loved him, or exactly how much it hurt him when he left. This story isnt about what happens to Hiccup when he leaves. But rather his father and how he copes with the grief and loss. How does he pick up the pieces and keep moving forward? UPDATED
1. Prolouge

**Okay,**

 **Well this is going to be a new story for me, and my first ever HTTYD fan fiction.  
This, as you've guessed, is a Hiccup leaves Berk story.  
However, as of yet, Outside of the prologue, this story is not going to focus on Hiccup. Rather it is going to focus on his father, Stoick.  
He's going to be the main one this story focuses on. I don't know if I will include any of Hiccup while he's outside of Berk and what he's doing  
in the time that he's gone. This story has been in my head for a few years now, but it's not been very fleshed out. I'm rewriting what little I did have written out. In all honesty I'm not completely sure  
how this story is going to go or where it's going to go, or even if Hiccup will return in the end. That's something that even I don't know myself yet. But that's something we will also discover together.  
The inspiration for this story was the song Already Gone, by Kelly Clarkson, but is currently being written to Boadicea, By Enya. **  
**I'm looking forward to writing this story. I haven't felt inspired to write anything in a long time, so I'm happy to finally have some of that inspiration back and hope it leads this story, and you readers, to a great place.  
Also, I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. I try my best to catch them, but I may still miss some. I hope this doesn't disrupt the story to much for you.  
So let us begin.**

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-PROLOGUE-**

It was dark, Late, the full moon the only light to guide him as he ran through the forest to meet up with his one and only friend. The only creature to ever care for and accept as he was without trying to change him. It was not as easy a decision as he thought it would be. Sure he was bullied and ridiculed by Vikings young and old, but Berk was the only home he had ever known. It was where he was born and raised. His only remaining family lived here. Sure his father hated him, was embarrassed by him, as well as constantly disappointed in him but he was still his father and he loved him. Then there was his cousin and uncle Snotlout and Spitelout. His uncle never even acknowledged that he existed, and Snotlout was the worst of all his bullies and never acknowledged the fact that they were even related, but again, they were still family, and that wasn't something that Hiccup could easily ignore. Not like they could. 

Then there was Gobber. Gobber the first and only person in entire village to see him In any kind of positive light. The only one to be nice to him. Sure Gobber could never fully understand Hiccup and his eccentric ways, but he didn't make fun of Hiccup for them, and even lightly indulged them every once in a while. Gobber was the closest thing to a real father he had ever had, and he would always love and appreciate him for that. But, even still. It wasn't enough to keep here, not after he found out the truth.

Dragons. Dragons. The very thing his tribe, his father, had been fighting against for 300 years. The very creatures that took his mother away from him. There was more to them than anyone could have ever imagined there would be. They weren't the mindless and animalistic killing machines they were led to believe they were. That's why he had to leave. His best friend, his brother, he was a dragon. A dragon he couldn't-wouldn't kill. He would never kill a dragon. He would never be a true Viking.

That's why…that's why he had to leave Berk. Leave his family, his village, everyone, and everything, he's ever known, behind.  
It was not an easy decision. It broke his heart to leave, and he cried. He cried when he realized that this was the only way.

He was going to leave…

And he didn't know if he would ever return.

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 **And there's the prologue. Its not very long I know, but it wasn't really meant to be.  
The real story takes place after Hiccup leaves. Just a bit of information for you all. Ive changed the time stoick and the others return from their nest hunt.  
They don't come back until AFTER Hiccup was chosen by the elder to kill the nightmare. Everything else stays the same, except for the fact that Astrid never follows Hiccup into the woods, and never discovered Toothless. Hiccup did get taken to the dragons nest that same night that the romantic flight was supposed to happen, and he did discover the queen and that the dragons are being controlled, but he has not come up with any plans to defeat her as of yet. He knows he wants to, and that he has to, but right now its not his first priority. His first priority is to leave, to protect Toothless and to avoid killing the nightmare. From there he will have to learn how to survive being on his own, how to fight, how to live, how to survive. Everything else comes after.**

 **Also, of all the other Hiccup leaves Berk stories ive read and come across there was only about one that was very realistic. It was a very good story and I really enjoyed it. I can't remember who it was by but I believe the titled was called "Hitchups" it was as close to realistic as a story could get, and if you haven't read, I highly recommend it. As for several others, they just weren't that realistic to me. They either changed Hiccups character to make him, this like revenge seeking asshole, or they made it seem that leaving had no effect on him at all. And I just couldn't get behind that. Hiccup is very attached to his family. It might be a broken family, but it's all the family he's got, and he's always loved his father. Sure they never got a long, or saw eye to eye, but Hiccup could never bring himself to actually HATE his father and want to harm him or anyone in his village. Hiccup doesn't have an evil bone in his body. He's always tried to do right by everyone, even at the cost of his own self. Hiccup would sooner run away and never come back than actually hurt anyone.  
**

**That was also shown in the first movie when his father disowned him. Even though he was heartbroken, and thought he'd lost everyone and everything, he still risked his life to save his family and friends. Hiccup is completely selfless.  
His emotion and his difficulty leaving. That's what I wanted to get across here. I wanted to show that it was not easy for him to turn his back on everything he's ever known. This will not be a clean break. He will cry. He will be devastated at the thought that he may never see his father, or Gobber, or any of his village ever again. He knows fully well that once he leaves he will be considered a traitor and an outcast and that if anyone from his past finds him, he may even be killed. But he's willing to take this risk and loose everything, because it's the right thing to do. For the dragons, and his village.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Okay, so here is chapter 1.  
The main thing I'm trying to get across in this story is Stoick's emotions for Hiccup. Stoick loves his family very much, but he is a true Viking, and not just that he's also the chief, so he has high expectations for Hiccup and when Hiccup can live up to those expectations, he get really disappointed. He's torn between being a father, and being a chief. The same thing is happening in this story. His son, his only son, and the last of his family betrayed him and the village by choosing to side with the dragons. This cuts Stoick even deeper, outside of the betrayal of the village because Valka was also taken by the dragons and Stoick also sees it as Hiccup betraying his mother as well.  
I'm trying really really hard to convey everything that Stoick is feeling, I want you guys as you're reading this to be able to see and experience yourself all the emotions Stoick is going through. Even as he's grieving he still has a village to lead and is being torn by the need to grieve his loss and to move on so that he can lead his village as he has been. Some of the inspiration in Stoick's grieving and his being torn between being weak and being strong, comes from my own father's grieving after my grandfather passed away a few years ago.**

 **So let me know how ya'll like the story, and some constructive criticism on how I'm writing Stoick.**

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-Chapter 1-  
**The ship had just pulled up to the docks, Sails torn, part of the ship itself was missing, and scorch marks everywhere. Only about half the crew that had left Berk weeks previous had returned, "Where are the other ships?" One Viking asked as the other injured Vikings disembarked from the ship. "You don't want to know" Spitelout responded. Stoick sighed from exhaustion and frustration at yet another failed attempt to find the dragon's nest. "Well I trust you found the nest at least?" Gobber asked, "Not even close" replied "Ah, excellent" Gobber spoke trying to lighten Stoick's somber mood. "I hope you had a little more success than me." Gobber paused, not sure how to break the news to Stoick "well…" Stoick turned to look back at Gobber. "Well?"

Suddenly a group of villagers rushed up all excited  
"Congratulations Stoick! Everyone is so relieved!"  
"Out with the old and in with the new right!"  
"No one will miss that old nuisance!"  
"The village is throwing a party to celebrate!"

Stoick is shocked and both surprised and upset by the villager's attitude. Sure Hiccup can be a pain, but to celebrate like this? He hoped his assumptions were wrong, he turned to Gobber. "He's…..Gone?"  
He prayed to the Gods that he was wrong, but one look at Gobber's face told him otherwise. "No" we whispered brokenly "Not my son not my son." "Stoick-"Gobber started but was interrupted by Stoick's yelling "HICCUP!" He ran off searching the village high and low, "HICCUP!"

He bust opened the door to his house, "Hiccup! Please, please be here!" He threw open the door to Hiccup's room and stopped breathing heavily. _'No, no, no. Please Gods no._ ' He collapsed to his knees sobbed brokenly, that's how Gobber found him. Silent tears fell down his face as well. He placed a comforting hand on Stoick's broad shoulder. He didn't have to look around to know what had caused his longtime friend so much pain because he already knew. It was the same thing that had caused him the same pain when he had found it.

Hiccup's room was in a state of near disaster. All the drawings that had previously littered the walls were gone. Hastily torn off, clothes were missing; the furs on his bed were gone. Charcoal sticks and journals missing. Hiccup had run away, and they didn't know when or how. "Stoick, I'm so sorry" "I did this" "No, this wasn't your fault." They both knew Gobber's words were a lie. Stoick was well aware of the fact that he neglected Hiccup and didn't listen to him "how long?" "A couple of weeks, I came looking for him when he didn't show up for dragon training."

Stoick rose back up to his feet. He took a few deep breaths. He forced back the pain and the anger, buried it deep inside the same as he did when his wife was carried off by those devils. He was chief. He would not loose himself to grief. He had the entire village depending on him and he needed to be strong. "I don't get it though, why he ran away now. He was doing so great in training." "What?" Stoick asked confused. "Yea, I was the strangest thing. At first he was terrible, but then he started getting better. And not just better, he was the best! Even better than Astrid." His son? His little Hiccup better than the Hofferson girl? "He was chosen Stoick, by the elder to kill the Monstrous Nightmare." "Seriously?" His voice was full of pride at the thought of his son being chosen over the other teens to kill his first dragon in front of the whole village. Gobber nodded "he had this way with the beasts; it was like nothing you'd ever seen before. He was finally popular in the village. He was constantly being warmed by his new fans!" "Then why?" He looked around the room "why would he run away when he was finally doing something right?"

Gobber shook his head "I don't know, I checked his room at the forge and it was emption out too." Stoick started to tear through what was left of the Hiccup's room "there has to be something Gobber! Hiccup wouldn't just leave for no reason!" Stoick tossed and slammed through the room before Gobber grabbed him and began holding him in place. "I checked already, there's nothing Stoick! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! "Stoick sagged, his grief beginning to overtake him again. "I've lost everything Gobber, first Valka, now Hiccup." Gobber's heart broke all over again. He didn't speak. After all, what could he say that could ease the pain of a lost loved one?

There was nothing to be said. Only time could help ease Stoick's pain. But he would be here for him. Just like he was when Valka was lost, He would support Stoick as he grieved the loss of his only child. Stoick was his best friend and like a brother to him and he'd be damned before he allowed his stubborn friend try and shoulder this burden alone.

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 **1,115 words  
All of my chapters are going to be pretty short, because of this im going to try and update more often. Not everyday, but im going to try and aim for atleast once a week, and because each chapter is so short im going to try and update more than one chapter at a time. For example. Right now, ive got 5 chapters written out, I'm going to have them all typed up before I upload this story, so that I can try and get all five chapters uploaded at once. I'm not saying I'll upload five chapters every time, but im going to try and make it so that I atleast upload two or 3 minum every time.**

 **Hope you all like what I got so far!**


	3. Chapter 2

**It just occurred to me that I forgot to add the disclaimer last two chapters. So here it is:  
**

**I do NOT own any rights to the How to train your Dragon series, no money is being made off this story, it is for pure entertainment purposes only so please don't sue.**

 **That being said, on with chapter 2.**

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-Chapter 2-**

Hours had passed and Gobber had left a short while ago to rest for the night. Stoick had assured him that he would be okay and would see him some time tomorrow. Stoick sighed and wiped his eyes, red and raw from crying. Feeling all of his years and then some he rose up off Hiccup's bed and decided it was time to go and sleep in his. It was late and he still had a village to look after, son or no son, his village needed him to be the strong chief he always was. Heavy footsteps led him to his own room and he stepped inside. He slowly go ready for bed, he sat down pulling back the furs and glanced over at his bedside table. That's when she saw it. A not addressed to him in a familiar mess scrawl. He gently picked up the paper and opened it.

 _Dad,  
By now you will have noticed that I'm long gone from Berk. You might be wondering why I left, or the more likely case, you won't even care._('Oh hiccup. I do care son.') _In face, I'm almost 100% sure you must be feeling completely relieved I'm gone. No more need to worry about Hiccup the Useless destroying the village or getting in the way during raids_ (Stoick closes his eyes as another wave of grief and guilt slam over him) _But even so I still hat to write this letter to you so that you would know exactly why I left. Hopefully by the end of this letter you will understand why I did what I did, why I made the choices that I made, and why I chose to leave everything I've ever known behind. I want you to understand that this was not a choice I made lightly and it was not something I decided spur of the moment. It was something I'd be thinking about for a long time. Ever since I met_ 'him' ('him? Who is him?') _Berk, while far from a happy place for me, was always my home and it will be greatly missed._ _YOU_ _will be greatly missed as well dad._ (Stoick's eyes teared up but he forces them back and won't let himself cry) _I know we've never seen eye to eye on…anything really, but I've always looked up to you, always wanted to be like you. The great 'Stoick the vast' Feared and respected by many. I was always proud to be your son, even if you weren't proud to call me son. My dad the vest Viking in the world!_ (Stoick felt a bit of pride fill him at the thought of just how much his son looked up to him, but also felt ashamed of himself because what Hiccup said about himself was true. He often did feel ashamed of have Hiccup as a son.) _That's why I tried so hard to impress you, even though all my attempts ended in disaster, all I ever wanted was to be like you. To be the son you'd be proud to call your own. To be a worthy heir to the chief of Berk. But…I know now that, that's never going to happen, I'm not now, nor will I ever be a Viking. I won't kill dragons. I won't make you proud. I won't be a good chief. I won't ever be the son you've always dreamed of having._ ("Oh Hiccup. Son") _SO I left. It killed me to do this, but it's what had to be done. It's what was best for Berk, for you, and most importantly it's what was best for me. You know dad, it's weird to know that for once in my life I'm not trying to do something for the sake of someone else. Yes my leaving happens to benefit you and the village, and yes leaving was hard for me, but at the end of it all I know that this was the best choice to make if I wanted to be happy. This choice is one that in the end will lead me to my own happiness. By leaving the village I don't have to worry about disappoint you or the other villagers. There's no pressure of trying to live up to anyone else's expectations. I don't have to worry about being bullied and beaten by the other teens or being ridiculed and looked down on by the other adults in the village, and most importantly I don't have to worry about you. I_ (Stoick was not as surprised by this statement as he felt he should have been. He knew he was hard on Hiccup, more than he should have been if he was being honest with himself) _I don't have to worry about your disappointed scowls, your public ridicule of my, of constantly knowing that I will never be the son you wanted. The truth is dad, I could live with the daily beatings from the other teens and the insults from the other adults, but what hurt me more than anything else, was you._ (Stoick's heart broke.) _Your silence when you ignored me, your constant disappointed looks, and your words when you did bother to speak to me about how I was never good enough, never would be good enough. The thought of everyday my very existence was a constant cloud of shame and embarrassment hanging over you. I noticed how some days, after a particularly bad attempt at trying to impress you, you would try and hide your face from the public out of shear embarrassment of having me for a son._

 _It seems contradictory doesn't it? That after how you treated me that I could still say I love and you will miss you. After all I should have no reason to shouldn't i? But no matter how things got between us you are my father. You raised me after mom died. You taught me to walk and talk, and read and write. You taught me how to fish when I was little, even if I would spend most of the trips hunting for the trolls Gobber told me about_ (Stoick chuckled at the memory. Even if it was annoying at the time it was happening) _Before we started really drifting apart you took care of me and loved me and I won't ever forget that, even if your feelings now have changed. Mine haven't, that's why I tried so hard to win back your approval and affection, but….i can't do that anymore dad. I have to start living my life for me and no one else. I have to start doing what makes ME happy, because I will never be able to make YOU happy, and even if I could. I don't think it would be worth it anymore if the only way I can get your approval is by being something I'm not._

 _I told you I was going to tell you why I left, and when I do you probably won't even finish this letter. You will probably disown me, and brand me a traitor and an outcast, and while I hope you don't I will understand if you do. Thought please give me a chance to explain:_

 _During the last raid, when I told you I shot down a Nightfury I was telling the truth. When you, once again, refused to listen to me I went hunting for the dragon myself. I wanted to prove to you and the village that I was a true Viking. Well I did find the dragon. He was wrapped up tightly in the bola and couldn't escape. I was ecstatic when I found him. I thought for sure that all my problems would be solved. I would cut out his heart and bring it to and for once in my life you would actually be proud of me. You would no longer be ashamed to call me your son and my life from then on would be perfect…..That's what I initially thought anyways_ (Stoick was confused. He wondered where Hiccup was going with this and was hoping and praying he was not going to do what he suspected he was going to do) _When I pulled out my knife to kill him he looked at me. He looked me right in the eye, and do you know what I saw? Fear. I saw fear in his eyes as he stared at me holding the knife over him, and telling him how I was going to kill him. And then I saw acceptance. Acceptance that he was going to die by my hand and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't fight, or run, or anything. He had no choice but to accept his fate._

 _Sound familiar? It's me. I looked at him and I saw myself in his eyes. I saw that he was just as frightened as I was. So…I let him go._ ("WHAT?! HICCUP YOU IDIOT WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED BY THAT MONSTER!" It took Stoick several minutes of angry passing and yelling before he finally came back to himself and realized that yelling would do him no good as Hiccup was no longer here. He took several deep breathes and looked at the crumpled up piece of paper in his hands. Should he continue reading? It was clear that his son sided with those devils. 'there has to be more….he said there was more' curiosity won out over his rage, if only for the moment.) _But it didn't stop there. Once I let him go he tackled me and pinned me to a large rock. He could have killed me dad, he could have killed me but he DIDN'T. He let me go and ran away. But you know me, once something has peaked my curiosity I can't let it be. I followed him, day after day, week after week. I slowly won his trust and he became my best friend and I named him Toothless_ ('Toothless? What kind of name for a dragon is Toothless?') _He's also why I left. I knew that as long as we stayed on Berk that sooner or later someone would find him and he would be killed. I couldn't let that happen. Toothless was/is my first real friend. He's the only that has ever accepted me for me and has never tried to or wanted to change me. So that's why I had to leave. To protect him…from you._

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_ **Whew. This chapter believe it or not was one of the harder ones for me to write. Ive rewritten and rewritten and rewritten Hiccup's letter to Stoick and ive never felt that it turned out quite write. As a matter of fact I rewrote it AGAIN as I was typing it up. It's a lot different than how if first started out, and I can say at least that I am happy with how this version turned out.**

 **Let me know what you guys think. Good, bad, needs some work? Let me know how you really feel, as long as your giving me constructive criticism on you think I can improve and not just blantaly bashing my story than im welcome to all reviews.**


	4. Broken

**Okay, it's a little after 1 am on this ,now, lovely Saturday morning and I cant sleep.  
So whats the perfect cure for insomnia? Typing up fanfiction of course!  
First of all thanks to the people that reviewed, im glad your enjoying the story so far. And im glad you also like the type of story im writing. I too have been interested in seeing a story like this but haven't come across any that really focus on Sotick or the village after Hiccup has left to go on his grand world adventures, so I don't know if there are even any stories like this out there or if their just well hidden.**

 **Also thank you to Eduardo for getting me the authors name to the previously mentioned story "Hitchups" as it turns out the author's name is "The Antic Repartee" If you haven't read their story "Hitchups" I do highly recommend it.  
**

**Anywho, as always I do not own How to Train your Dragon and heres chapter 3!**

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-Chapter 3: Broken-  
**Stoick was in shock. He couldn't believe what he had just read. Dragon?! His son made friends with a dragon?! And a Nightfury no less! _'I don't believe it! It can't be true! Hiccup wouldn't befriend the devils that destroy our village and steal our food. He wouldn't befriend the demons that took his mother away from us! He couldn't! He wouldn't!'_ But there it was, right in front of him and in Hiccup's own handwriting. _(He's my best friend)_ "No" _(He's why I left)_ "No" _(To protect him)_ "No!" _(To protect him from you)_ "No! No! No!" Stoick was in a rage he wanted to hit someone, something, preferably a dragon, but the fact was, he was to exhausted. Between the failed nest hunt, searching for Hiccup, mourning his lost son and even his initial reaction at finding out Hiccup had let a dragon go rather than killing, and just to top off this wonderful night of revelations, he finds out that his son ran away from home with said dragon! It was all to much and to soon for Stoick. His is rage quickly burned out to pure, bone deep weariness and he collapsed back don't onto his bed and buried his face in his hand, rubbing it to try and rid himself of some of the weariness that he felt.

He sighed, physically and emotionally drained from the recent events. Stoick slammed the letter back down on the table. There was nothing he could do about any of it now, not now that his son was long gone. And even if there was something he could do, he was much to tired to care at this point. He lay down on his bed and covered up with the furs. He prayed silently in his head to the Gods to watch over his son, turned away from the letter and fell into a dreamless sleep.

Stoick awoke late the next day. He was surprised when he looked outside to see the sun already high in the sky. He hurriedly got dressed and ran outside towards the mead hall. He found the hall full of Vikings eating their mid-day meals. Looking around he found Gobber sitting by himself on the far end of the hall and quickly walked over to him. "Gobber" He said as he sat down across from him "Ah, look he decided to join the land of the living after all." Stoick scowled "Why did you allow me to sleep in? You know I have a lot of work to do today." "Because, after the hectic day you had, you deserved a bit of a rest." Stoick sighed, both annoyed and grateful to his friend "There's no time for rest Gobber; you know that, you also know that I don't need to be coddled. This is not the first time I've lost someone." "I know that. But even so, you need time to grieve your loss just like the rest of us. And face it. Chief or not after the night you had, and failed hunt, you really needed the rest. A sick chief is a useless chief." "Gobber-" "uh-uh. I don't want to hear it Stoick. Yes you are the chief. But your human just like the rest of us, and as much as you might not want to admit it you have your limits same as we all do. Even without the failed hunt you're still a grieving father who needs time to mourn his loss before he can start burying his sadness in his work. You need to take care of yourself Stoick. One day off. That's all I ask of you. This village won't fall apart in one day. Spitelout and I have already split today's duties in half, and the village is helping out as well where they can. Just go home and let us handle everything for today. Okay?" Stoick studied Gobber for a moment before finally relenting. He was right; Stoick was still spent emotionally, and really didn't feel like working. And as Gobber said, one day won't hurt anything and it'll give him a little time to get his head together. "Alright Gobber, you win." "Glad to hear it, no get" Stoick let a small chuckle and rose up from his seat. Saying his goodbyes he left the hall and headed back home. He was going to fix himself a small lunch and think things over for a bit.

As he sat at his table at home eating thoughts of Hiccup and the letter came back unwanted in his head. He was of course furious with his son and his betrayal. Hiccup took everything he had ever known and tossed it all to the side, and for what? His pet dragon! Stoick was also disgusted at the mere thought that Hiccup could even see anything besides evil in those winged devils. Stoick had looked many a dragon in the eye over the years during raids and hunts and all he could see was evil. He saw not even the slightest hint of something more behind their eyes. Just hatred, rage, and a lust for blood, How Hiccup could see anything beyond that was a complete mystery to him, and not one he cared to find out about. _'What should I do now? Should I tell the villagers he sided with the dragons? If I do that it'll guarantee he can never come back to Berk. He'll be labeled a traitor; I'll have to disown him.'_ His heart clenched painfully at the thought of doing that. It would destroy him to have to disown his only child. Hiccup was the only real family he had left; to disown him would mean losing him forever. _'But haven't I already lost him?'_

His chest tightened, his throat closing as it became difficult to swallow, and his eyes burned with tears that he was fighting back. He was losing himself again. _(You're a grieving father Stoick)_ The memory of Gobber's words came back to him, unwanted as Stoick buried his face in his hands as he began sobbing once more. His whole body shook with the force of his emotions as cried. Safe and alone he could let everything go. Here, in his home he didn't have to be Stoick the Vast or Chief of Berk. Here he could be Stoick, the father of Hiccup and husband of Valka. Here he didn't have to hide his emotions; he could be sad, scared, angry, and hurt. Here he can cry without fear of being judged or letting anyone down. Here in the safety of his home he could be weak because he knew that once he walked back out that door he would once again be the Chief of Berk, all his fears and insecurities, sadness, and hurt, would be locked away deep inside his mind where no one could touch them.

He would lead his village, take care of his people, and destroy any and all threats. Because he was Stoick the Vast, Chief of the Hairy Hooligan Tribe and he was strong and proud and completely sure of every step he took and every choice he made. But that was then, and this was now. And now, he was just Stoick Haddock. He was just a man, a widow, and now a father without a son. He would grieve and mourn for his lost family. 

" _I'm falling apart, barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name, I find meaning  
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding onto you  
I'm barely holding onto you"  
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 **A bit of information, Stoicks break down in this chapter was honestly something I witnessed from my own father. I mentioned early that much of Stoicks grievings, the conflict of needing to break down, and needing to be strong and "be a man" as it were, was inspired by the emotional ups and downs my father went through when my grandfather passed away. Much like stoick and Hiccup were, both my father and grandfather were not close and had their fights. Sometimes over my brother and I. But my father was there in the hospital the day he died, and before he died my grandfather told him that he loved him, and that's something my father will carry with him always. He was so happy to know that despite everything his father did love him.**

 **I am placing much of my fathers emotional state at the time in Stoick, because I want it to have real emotion. That's my goal. To make you feel what Stoick feels. I want it to be as real as it can be given the circumstances so I want you guys to be honest with me if you feel something isn't right, or if you think Stoick goes back and forth to much, or if his emotional state is unrealistic. I do have some what of a plan, as the story comes together of where I want it to go, so just let me know what you guys think.**

 **Also I was still listening to Enya while writing this chapter but for some reason at the end of it, these lyrics from Lifehouse's Broken came to mind and I just thought they would be the perfect way to end the chapter. Whether or not Stoick himself is singing these lyrics is up to you, though personally as I was writing them in, I pictured him singing them to himself.**


	5. Chapter 4

**I do not own the How to Train your Dragon Series**

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-Chapter 4-  
**Stoick walked back upstairs after cleaning up his mess from lunch. He looked out the window of his room and watched his village continue on about its business as usual. It was the same as when Valka left. Like nothing had changed. As if his whole world wasn't crashing down around him. He sighed; he knew he wasn't the only one in his village to be feeling this way at the moment. He knew that even now at this very moment, other families were grieving the loss of loved ones. After all, he came back with less than half his fleet after they failed to find the nest yet again. Stoick wondered, if he had been successful with finding and destroying the nest, if Hiccup would still have befriended that dragon and left. He didn't know, guessed he would never know.

He sat down on his bed and looked at the letter that Hiccup had written to him. He didn't finish it last night, he had been to tired. Should he finish it? What else could his son possibly have to say in the letter? Was he going to try and change Stoick's mind about dragons? Try and justify his befriending a dragon? He didn't want to finish reading it. Wasn't interested at all in what Hiccup had to say. _(You probably won't even finish reading it)_ He wanted to read it. He wanted Hiccup come back. He wanted to make things right between the two of them and have his son back home where he belonged. He sighed and picked the letter back up. If you asked him, Stoick would never admit to the slight curiosity he held at wondering what else Hiccup possibly had to say in his letter.

 _If your still reading this let me say just one thing first. Wow. Just wow. I can wholly and honestly say, that never in a million yes did I expect you to get past the whole 'I befriended a dragon' thing_ (Stoick's lips quirked up slightly in amusement) _Dad, I know that your upset about what I've done. And just that fact that you're still reading this, despite that, really does make me happy. Maybe there is some hope for you yet, that you change_ (Stoick rolled his eyes 'not likely') _I just wanted to tell you that these past few weeks have been amazing. They're the best times I've had in my entire life and you'll never believed what I'm managed to accomplish and learn from Toothless. I wish more than anything that I could have trusted you with Toothless. I would have loved to show you everything I've seen and learned. But you're a Viking through and through and I know that you never could have accepted Toothless. But you need to know. Everything we know about dragons is wrong. There not what we think they are, we don't have to kill them. There's so much more to them then we could have ever imagined._

 _For example:  
The dragons raid us for a reason_(Stoick's curiosity was fully peaked now. How would Hiccup know anything about why the dragons raid the village?) _I've been to the nest Dad. It was the night that I was chosen to kill the Monstrous Nightmare. Toothless took me to the nest to show me why it is that the dragons raid our village. You won't believe what I saw, dad, there is something on their island. A true demon if I ever saw one. A dragon, a huge monstrous dragon, easily the size of Berk if not larger, after seeing this creature I can only be glad that no ships have ever made it to the nest. Dad, I'm begging you, please, please, PLEASE give up the nest hunts. I promise you, you can NOT win this fight. This creature is to big and strong, if you challenged it, it would wipe the village out completely. If you never ever listen to me again or trust me, I beg you let this be the one thing you hear and STOP going after the nest. Please!_ (Stoick could sense the sheer terror coming off of Hiccup in these words, He could see it plain as day in front him by how the writing was more shaky and messy compared to the rest of the letter, as though the very thought of this creature filled him with fear. Stoick thought hard about this. Hiccup was begging him, literally begging him to give up his hunt for the nest. And it's true. 300 years and counting and the only thing the village has ever had to show for it were lost men and supplies. Stoick sighed. The village would actually be very pleased if he gave up hunting for the nest, it would also help save lives and leave more people to defend the village during raids, it would also help save supplies, Stoick knew convincing the council and elders to give up the nest hunts would be no problem, so for Hiccup, and his Village, he would stop the hunts. Just in case Hiccups right.)

 _This creature, she's their queen. It's like a beehive. She controls the dragons somehow. I'm not sure what kind of power she has that allows her to do this but somehow she can. She makes them raid us for food, if the dragons fail to bring back enough food than they themselves will be eaten instead. They live in constant fear of her and her wrath. I've seen it. I know that this knowledge, whether you choose to believe it or not, won't stop you from fighting the dragons. And honestly without a way to stop the queen the dragons will continue to raid the village and I know what you're thinking and your right, the village has the right to defend its self during raids._ (Stoick's eyebrows rose in surprise at Hiccup actually admitting this) _but even knowing that, doesn't make me like it because I know the dragons aren't in control of their own actions._

 _I left all of my journals in my room. I hid them beneath the loose floorboard near my bed to keep them safe in the worst happened and you decided to destroy everything of mine in a rage. The journals contain everything, not just what I learned about dragons from Toothless, but also my life on Berk. More went on that I know you're not aware of because you didn't want to be. You don't have to read them if you don't want to, but if you are curious about why I turned out the way I did, and why it was so easy for me to seek out the friendship of a dragon, rather than a person, then they would be your best bet. I do wish that you would give dragons a chance. If you can know them out of the queens control then you would see they are completely different, I know that is asking to much from you though, but I am anyways._

 _One more thing, before I finally end this letter. I don't know if I'll ever come back to Berk. Or even if I will be welcome back, I do know that as long as Berk remains at war with the dragons Toothless will never be safe there and I won't risk his safety by coming home. Just please know this, no matter what happens or what you decide about me, that you will always be my dad and I will always love you. I'm going to miss you and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss Berk as well._

 _Goodbye Dad  
Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III_


	6. Chapter 5

**Okay, so here is chapter 5, the last of the prewritten chpaters that ive gotten so far.  
As usual I do not own the How to Train your Dragon series.**

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-Chapter 5-  
**Stoick folded the letter and placed it in his drawer. His heart broke for what must have been the hundredth time at the thought of his son never returning to Berk, but he was right. Berk was never going to accept dragons. Stoick would, couldn't forgive them for stealing Valka from him and Hiccup, and now a dragon had taken his son from him as well. No he wouldn't forgive the dragons. They were the enemy, always had been, always will be. Stoick rubbed his face roughly with his hand. He would conquer this, the same as he had Valka's death. He would not be defeated by his grief. If Hiccup ever returned Stoick doesn't know what he would do, or how he would react. But that's not anything he needed to concern himself with now, not if Hiccup's letter was anything to go by.

Stoick rose up from the bed and walked over to Hiccup's room. He finds the loose floor board and pries it up. He pulls out a small wooden box and takes it downstairs and sits at the table. Opening the box he sees several journals. All of them stacked and labeled neatly from oldest to newest, Stoick guessed that was for his benefit. He looks at the last one. It's only a few months old, and the last date is the day he left, this was the dragon journal. Stoick tosses it aside in disgust. Far from interest in learning about dragons, beyond his need and want to kill them. Instead he opens one of the older journals. The oldest one according to the dates written on it, It was from when Hiccup was really young, and it was his first journal. He doesn't remember giving it to Hiccup; he assumes he must've gotten in from Gobber, shortly after he started working in the forge with him. Hiccup was about 6 or 7 when he first started apprenticing under him, now that he recalls, that's also when the group of teens started all drifting away from Hiccup. He had placed Hiccup in the forge in the hopes that It would help him grow stronger and gain muscle. That clearly didn't happen, but what they did discover was that Hiccup was really gifted with metal work.

Give him the time and tools and he could build almost anything, granted most of what he built turned out to cause more damage to the village and the villagers than the dragons Hiccup claimed they were to fight against. Oh he knew all those weapons and designs of his were all Hiccup's attempts to impress him but he just didn't understand them or how they could be of any real use in battle. A true Viking fought on the front lines face to face with the beasts. Not from a distance and with some strange far out contraption that was more complicated than it was worth. To him that just seems like a cowards attempt to stay off the battle field rather than be on it.

Gobber had also brought to his attention that Hiccup had a keen eye for detail when working on the weapons in the forge. Turns out he usually adds little flourishes and flairs to his weapons that usually go unnoticed by the Vikings that use them, and would almost always be missed by anyone not looking for them or trained to notice them like Gobber was. Hiccup's weapons were always the best too, when he worked on repairing or building new weapons his were always sharper, sturdier, and lasted longer in battle. Everyone loved his weapons though they all thought it was Gobber, even he did at first until Gobber told him otherwise.

' _Do I really want to do this?'_ He asked himself looking at the stack of journals. The thought of journeying into Hiccup's mind was a terrifying thought; the mere thought of it was enough to give many a grown Viking nightmares, Stoick included. It wasn't that he didn't love his son, because he did, very much so. It was that he just couldn't understand anything about him. His son's mind was a complicated thing, a maze full of twists and turns that only Hiccup could began to understand. Try to follow him and you risk losing yourself to the chaos. He couldn't focus on anything for any length of time ( _he has the attention span of a sparrow_ ) before his mind would wonder off into directions unknown to any but Hiccup. Hiccup was no the son Stoick had always envisioned he would have.

Stoick had always had a specific image in his head of what his perfect son would look and act like.  
He'd have the build of Snotlout  
The smarts of Valka  
His strength and leadership skills

The perfect Viking and the perfect Heir, Stoick had been over the moon when he first found out the Valka was pregnant. He had thought his image of the perfect child was finally coming to pass. But then tragedy struck, there were complications with the pregnancy and Valka had been forced to give birth early and Hiccup was born prematurely. The healers had all said he wouldn't make it to his first year.

Stoick could remember that night as clearly as if it had only happened the day before. He had been terrified, not just for Valka but for Hiccup as well, the thought of losing the two made his blood run so cold he could have sworn there was ice in his veins. But miracles of miracles, they both survived. He remembered walking into the room to see and tired and weary Valka holding his tiny son. He was shocked, so shocked at the mere size of the babe. Dwarfed even in Valka's small arms, all his dreams of a strong Viking heir were thrown out the window, never to return. He remembered feeling an immense amount of disappointment. There was no way this tiny, fragile, little Hiccup of a baby could ever grow to be a proper Viking, let alone a proper heir. "Isn't he beautiful Stoick?" He couldn't speak, he was afraid that if he did he would only upset his wife. How could she say that? He was as far from a proper Viking child as you could get, could she not see that? "Here Stoick" She handed him the baby "hold your son" _'your son she says'_ she all but forces the tiny babe into his hands. He was terrified, he was so fragile and small, Stoick was scared that he would harm the small babe with his great strength, but he held him. He looked down on the tiny creature in his hands, and oh was he tiny. Dwarfed in Valka's arms he was even more so in his own. He'd never seen a creature so tiny; he didn't know how to react. He was frozen, afraid that the slightest move from him would possibly hurt the small infant. He heard Valka giggle and looked at her. "It's okay Stoick, you won't hurt him." Suddenly something amazing happened.

He moved. Stoick was captivated by the tiny yawn that left the babe's mouth as he wriggled around a bit before opening his eyes. He stared straight into Stoick's own eyes, and then he smiled, Stoick's whole world lit up. He felt his heart burst with joy and love. In this tiny little creatures eyes he could see their future, little Hiccups first words, his first steps, the three of them together at snoggletogg watching Hiccup open presents, Hiccups first day of draining training, falling in love, courting a girl, and getting married on day with kids of his own. His son's entire life, their families together as they watched him grow and achieve great things, He could see it all; picture it all in his mind. This was his son, Valka's son, their son. They would raise him together and he would be the greatest Viking and Chief Berk has ever seen. "He's beautiful Val. Our little Hiccup" Valka had smiled at him and cooed over him at Hiccup.

Stoick had made a vow that night to always love and protect his son. Something he now knows he truly failed it, if Valka were still alive right now, he knows he wouldn't be, because she would have killed already. Then again if Valka were still alive none of this probably would have ever happened. He was different when he was with her, and he knows he changed greatly after she died. After her death, he didn't think he could stand anymore heartbreak, so he locked away the part of him that was husband and father and once Hiccup was old enough to began to care for himself, he began pulling away from his son. He couldn't stand to see Valka in him, it was to painful. He's not claiming that it was the right thing to do, but its what he did all the same.

Stoick knows he hurt Hiccup by pulling away but he never realized just how much pain it caused his son. Maybe if he had known just how much his son was hurting he could have done something different, but it was to late now. Stoick pulled himself from the memories of his past and looked at the stack of notebooks in front of him. He picked up the first one, the one Hiccup started after working in the forge; he opened it up and began reading.

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 **And this chapter is done!  
Let me know what you all think. **

**I think I did a little to much jumping around in this chapter, guess that's what happens when you change things as your typing.**

 **Anyways, leave some reviews to let me know what you guys think!**


	7. Letters to Hiccup 1

**Hey everyone.  
Sorry for the late update, ive been having a rough couple of weeks. Id lost my job recently and have been really depressed. So much so that I just couldn't find it in me to write anything for a while.  
I did thankfully find another job but im still kinda in a funk as I try to move on and get my bills and everything straightened out. It was just my luck that I lose my job right around the time all my bills are due together. And if that wasn't enough to bring me down my alarm clock decided not to go off this morning and I wound up being late to my new job that ive only had for 3 days, the boss told me that it was okay, and to just come back when we open again on Tuesday but I feel like absolute shit and I know I look EXTREAMLY bad missing a day like this when ive been working there for less than a week and on a Saturday no less. This just makes me even more depressed.**

 **While im glad I have this new job, and that I can continue to do the thing I love most, I just feel overwhealmed. I got fired from my dream job doing what I loved on top of having really great benifeits less than two weeks ago, get hired on somewhere else with the luck of still being able to do what I love but having only been working for 3 days there, oversleeping and missing today, and all of my bills are due withn just a few days of each other and im completely broke.**

 ***sighs* can you understand why ive not been in much of a writing mood?**

 **Anyway, enough venting, this here isn't a real chapter. This is just a little something extra that's going to be thrown in here and there every once in awhile, just to give you all a little more insight into what Stoick and maybe even some of the other villagers are thinking and feeling about his absence. Hope you guys enjoy it.**

-LETTERS TO HICCUP 1-

Hiccup,  
It's been quite a while since we've last seen each other, even before you ran away. I honestly can't believe you actually have run away. No matter how bad things got around here for some reason it never crossed my mind that you actually –would- run away. I know you had it rough son, and I know I never helped to ease your burden even though I should have. I realize now that I was never a very good father to you and now I can't even tell you that I'm sorry. And I AM sorry Hiccup. But I'm more than sorry, I'm also angry. I don't know which I am more. Angry or sorry.

I'm sorry I was never there when you needed me to be, I'm sorry that I was so hard on you and that I would embarrass you and humiliate you in front of the entire village. I'm sorry I never listened when you spoke, never comforted you when you were scared or said. I'm sorry that I hurt you. But most of all Hiccup, I'm sorry that I made you think you were unloved. Because you're not. I DO love you Hiccup. You're my son, my world, and my heart. I love you so much son, so much that it can even hurt sometimes. There is nothing more important in my life than you, and I'm sorry I failed to realize that sooner, before all this happened.

I'm angry you ran away, I'm angry you befriend a dragon. A dragon Hiccup! The devils that destroy our village on a regular basis. The demons that have killed hundreds of our people! They steal our food, destroy families, and make our lives a living Hel! They killed your mom Hiccup! They tore our family apart and destroyed our lives! I watched helplessly as your mother was carried off screaming for me to save her and I couldn't! I couldn't Hiccup! Can you not understand that?! The great and powerful Stoick the vast, your father! And I was completely helpless as your mother was carried off to her death, and you! You have the nerve to befriend the very creatures that killed! The thought of it just fills me with so much rage, and anger, and hurt.

I'm hurt Hiccup and I don't understand. How could you do it? How could you toss aside 300 years of Viking belief and tradition to befriend the creatures that killed your own mother? I wish I could understand what was going through your mind when you made this choice. Was life here at the village really so bad that you actually preferred the dragons over your own people? Your own family?

I don't know what to do Hiccup, what to think or feel. You're my son, HER son, but you chose the dragons. You broke our laws. Betrayed us, for them. And now I'm forced to choose between being a father, and being a chief.

Do I tell the village what you did and make you an enemy, to be destroyed on site, or forever banished and exiled from Berk. Or do I keep it a secret, and just let everyone think you simply ran away. To be outlawed for three years before you're allowed to come back.

The truth is, I just don't know. The chief in me wants to rage and scream and banish you never to return, but the father in me…just wants to you come back. I want you to be here, with me, where I can protect you. Where I know you'll be safe.

This ….this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Wondering day in and day out if you're okay, if you're safe, if you're even alive.

Oh Hiccup, My son, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please come home.

Stoick

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 **And there's the first letter.  
These letters don't really move the plot along. There're just little extras.  
If you all have someone you would like to see "write" a letter to Hiccup, let me know and I'll see what I can do about making one.**

 **Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon and get back to writing more, actual chapters.**


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